Fairy Tales


Part 1: Fairy Tales can come true
We’ve all heard the fairy tale. Dragon abducts the princess and imprisons her in the tower. Knight (latest of a series) travels far and wide to rescue the princess. Mind you, not just rescue.

Damn asshole has to show the block he’s a man and slay the dragon.

For most of you kiddies out there, end of story. Happy ever after. “Marry my daughter, says the king, and I’ll throw in a free kingdom to boot!”

As I grew older, I realized I never was the knightly type. Armor chafes me, and charging at an immortal being that is known for being captivating, wise, and powerful…

Why would you do that? And what are the odds? A typical fairy tale’s final score would end with Knights 100, Dragon 1.

I can’t be one of the knights. And God knows I need a rescuing every now and then.

----
Part 2: The Knight

Let’s hear it for the knight. Noble being, all dressed in shiny armor, and in actual medieval cases, is sworn to a life of celibacy. Or cluelessness.

The objective here is to grow up strong, grow up valiant, grow up wise…and then take orders from a higher being.

Please choose one:

  1. Pillage this
  2. Burn that
  3. Conquer them
  4. Rescue her

For his efforts, he gets a nice certificate of completion, a secret decoder ring, two tickets to watch Gregorian Chant, and in extreme cases, even a princess...

But happy ending done, what happens after?

Does the knight really know what to do with a princess after rescuing her? Vows of celibacy, remember…

Application forms are available at the front desk.

---
Part 3: The Princess

Now this gets complicated. Most of the time, princess wanders away from the castle, is stumbled upon by: 1) an evil Wizard, 2) Dragon, 3) band of thieves.

In morally didactic literature, the princess almost always is held against her will, and spends the rest of her prison sentence looking out the tower, and waiting for a gallant knight to rescue her. I have checked my sources, and there is absolutely no mention of what the princess does in her spare time, except grow her hair long, making tapestry, and composing songs.

Now if we’re talking evil wizard here, there is no point in analyzing the situation. Wizard just wants an expanded inheritance and maybe a few babies to carry on the evil genes. Of course, the princess is royally screwed at this point, unless someone comes to the rescue.

Anyway, should a princess be rescued, and the knight takes her on a publicity tour, the former is more often than not tasked to helping the latter regain a more worldly persona. You know, take off his armor and give him the royal treatment.

Would the knight consent to an afterlife of being a prince, or would he fade back and join the wars again? After all, he grew up training for the chase and accepting that he will die in one quest or another…

---
Part 4: The Dragon

Ah, my favorite among the batch. So what if this is unabashed bias? This is my blog, and I will favor anything I want.

Let’s see:

Dragons are forever.

  • They are invincible.
  • They talk a strange language that only a few understand, but those who do are forever under their spell.
  • They have a horde, and it pleases them not to add to the horde, but maintain it.
  • They see everything and they analyze correctly.
  • Their two weaknesses: Heart and pride.

Dragons don’t abduct. They take princesses (or wizards) off their feet and fly them far away.

Knights are more of an irritation to them rather than a genuine threat. And dragons hate to be irritated. Flame on!

On the lighter side, dragons like treasure, but they have no need for them. Be it a jewel, a crown, or even a captive princess, they see them as additions to his horde. In effect, dragons are a classic example of “dog in the manger.”

Dragons are kind enough to let their favored captives survive. They kill knights (cause they’re irritating) but keep princesses in captivity. They give special treatment, but they don’t harbor illusions about happy endings or starting a family.

Dragons pioneered the concept of Stockholm Syndrome. Abduct a person, captivate her, and make her embrace the cause.

---
Part 5: Analysis

In today’s modern times, it is so hard to find a princess to abduct and ergo, rescue. The most that princesses run away from nowadays is from themselves or a boring life in the castle. Being rescued by a knight is in effect going back to the castle and living happily ever after.

Knights have their reasons. Princesses have their reasons.

But dragons don't care.

Or at least they shouldn't.











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